Recently, I suffer from
increasing withdrawal. Many times a day I get a flash of receiving a "bad
message". It seems that the world is becoming a threat to me. I think deep within I
am afraid of everything. I hardly come out of my home, anymore. What could that be?
Let's go within together. You
may start with feeling your feet in contact with the floor. Feel and watch. (After some
minutes). Start watching your breathing. Feel the breathing out and in. (After some
minutes). Keep contact with both the ground and your breathing, while watching the inside
of your eyes. Is that comfotable with you?
There is a lot of tension in my eyes.
Okay, just relax and keep
contact with your body. (After some minutes). You are not going anywhere, but
instead - through the body - gaining a sense of the HereNow. Sooner or later, there will
be an inner stability felt: you are "here" and your thoughts are
"there", in front of you. There appears to be an inner distance between the two.
(After some minutes). Yes,
I can see that. I feel detached and my thinking is passing by.
We can go one step further. While
keeping contact with both your feet and the breathing your attention goes within: to your
back. You feel the contact of your clothes with your spine e.g. trunk. Do you feel that?
Yes, I do.
Good. You may now
imagine that your back is bathing in light. The more you stay in the HereNow, the sooner
it will come.
Is this the Cosmic Mandala
exercise? Should I imagine the whole image?
No, no, not yet. It is
enough to feel the light, while watching e.g. seeing it.
My back becomes warm.
Just relax and enjoy it. Once
the light has established itself, remember a moment of fear, like the ones you have in
your daily life.
That's not easy now. Everything
is very quiet.
I understand. Just
invite a moment of fear to come up. When it comes, you "stay where you are".
Recognize the fear and ask your depth (every moment your breathing out disappears into
your pelvis): what is behind my fear?
(After 7 minutes). Nothing
happened until now.
That doesn't matter. Maybe
it is good to know, that in the mean time I did exactly the same exercise. So, you are not
alone. I am in the same Space as you are. We are in the same Space.
That feels VERY good. It
suddenly gives the entire room a different quality. I feel part of a greater Whole. Deep
trust enters my being. My body also resonates. A shivering runs along my spine.
Very good. Be that
Space and let everything else go.
I had a flash of intense anger.
Yes, I see it.
O, my God. It is
directed toward my little brother. It isn't anger, it is sheer hatred.
You see yourself as a child
together with your little brother?
Yes, yes, an entire surge of
images appears. I see myself as a young child. Very much loved by my mother. Then
(after two years) my little brother was born. Because he was very weak, he immediately
claimed my mother's attention, in such a way, that I felt acutely abandoned.
So, what do you feel now?
My anger has turned into
overwhelming pain. My mother suddenly feels miles away from me, unapproachable.
So, first there was pain?
Yes, I lost my mother. And
my little brother is the cause of it. He managed to totally occupy my mother's love. Not
only then, but for many years after, as well.
Is that the cause of your
It is. Of course, I
had to keep it for myself. That's why I became very introverted. "A boy with deep
waters" my parents used to say.
But now you can see it clearly?
Very much so. The
Space HereNow makes everything very transparent. Everything is interrelated. First there
was (is) this immense pain of having lost my mother. It turned into hatred toward my
brother whom I accused of being the cause of my suffering.
What about your fear?
My fear is always there. It
is directly linked to my hatred e.g. my strong desire (as a young child) to get rid of my
little brother. It is the fear for my hatred being discovered.
What would happen in that case?
I had many dreams in the past,
where "they" were after me. Trying to punish me for "crimes"
I had committed.
How do you feel now?
It is the Space that makes the
difference. It gives me the security I once was begging for. It somehow feels
like a homecoming. My pain, anger and fear have lost their power. Is this Space what you
call the Cosmic Mother?
It is Her Light Body*.
Joy appears at the horizon. It
dawns to me that the "Mother" is giving me a second chance. She is fully
accessible, so I feel my obsession towards my mam is dissolving. Moreover, there is no
little brother standing in between, anymore.
And there is no reason for
being afraid of "the world" either.
Right. It is a
domino-effect. Once they generated each other, now they drag each other down into
Haven't you forgotten
(After 10! minutes). O,
yes, of course. Neither my mother nor my brother is to blame. My mother certainly loved me
but was incapable to express it and my brother claimed my mother because he had to
survive .....I should forgive them!
Forgiving them means they were
(Silence). Well, eh, of course
not. Both acted out of deficiency. My mother because she was overburdened, my
brother because he was very weak at birth
The human condition is that of
deficiency. What the East calls karma. Once you see deficiency determining one
generation after the other, everything can be accepted. Things are simply like they are.
I like the word
"deficiency" as a definition for our human condition.
Through becoming Space these
conditionings disappear, though. Eventually, I am NOT my karma!
Three days later my client
called. His fear had completely evaporated.
(After 4 months). I
now grasp what you mean by "Cosmic Mother". She is indeed a miracle. Only
Nothingness can unwind your inner knots.....Through daily worship these dark clouds are
definitely gone for ever. I am a new man! My new insight in life: "How can you accept
others if you yourself don't feel accepted!"
May you always trust the
* In the Great Night
Initiation one directly go into Mother's Dark Essence
NB. Obviously, this is a
very personal record of one client. The sessions are always (very) different. Sometimes
only the CC goes into the Depth, with the client asking questions