My excuses for the fact that major corrections to this text are direly necessary. They will be carried out as soon as possible

Chapter 5
DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL
Personal integration:
twenty years of trial and error

The Divine Retracting

After having lived uninterrupted bliss for ten years, the Lightness of Existence pulled back. In a relatively short period the basis – that I AM MySelf – weakened. The quality of clarity, omnipresence, timelessness next to the joy, the carelessness and the selflessness became less, until it seemed to be completely gone. You can compare it with a weatherman and – woman. When the one pulls back the other one comes to the foreground. In my process ‘I was thrown back onto myself’ in a very short period of time. Aspects of the personality, of which I thought they had dissipated, forced themselves onto me. My primary sins from the past, such as irritability, worrying and (little) fears, they propped up. In fact they had never really left. What a disillusion. Even ten years of merging in Wholeness had not dissolved them. It was as if I was tuned to a specific frequency for all those years. The other frequencies – that are also there – can’t penetrate you then. However, if the first one looses dominance, then the mirror shatters into a thousand different pieces that can't be put back together by all the kings horsemen.

To be honest it was a huge shock. It was the realisation ‘of being back where I started’. All ‘glory’of Eternity was gone, as if it had never been there. There was no difference between me and any other. I also had constant problems, and just like anyone else I was on my own. In mystic literature this is referred to as the ‘Dark Night of the Soul’. Despair, abandonment and hopelessness have then taken a hold of you. You need to see this in the context of western spirituality, in which they have to do without Eastern meditation. In such a case the fall back is complete and drastic. However, thanks to my years of Zen-meditation, there was always something – no matter how weak – that remained of my conscious awareness. I hardly cultivated it, because deep inside I knew the purpose of this suffering.

At a certain moment I realized, that passive undergoing wasn’t enough. I had to consciously choose it. In the preceding period – in the sweetness of my existence – the ‘world’ was excluded, in my paradise the dissonance of everyday life didn’t come through. However, no matter how perfect it was, my truth was partial and exclusive. This realization gnawed at me more and more. Moreover, if my Realization couldn’t rise to fit the World, if it can’t stretch to reach everyone – not only in consciousness, but also in doing – what was the worth of my condition? I observed a fall back into my old patterns and conditionings. All of a sudden old sayings such as ‘by the fruit one recognises the tree’ sparked my interest again for example. What was the use (for others) if I walked around in my ‘own’ Enlightenment? I was also afraid of becoming an exotic guru in a golden cage, with followers, the head of a sect-like happening. I promised myself to not get into that trap, though from time to time I had tempting flashes of all those obedient followers at my feet. Furthermore, if I was honest to myself, there was a dissonance from inside out, which in an increasing degree spoiled my perfect state of Being. Irritations, worry and apprehension about small things and tantrums gave me enough food for thought. The consequence was clear: to attain inclusiveness, also that of the jammers – my negativity – and the world, there was nothing else I could do but ‘take a step back’, voluntarily moving from the fat years to the meagre ones. Though I naturally never regretted it, I certainly didn't pass without notice! I immediately dove into it wholeheartedly: I bought Brogues (chic shoes), a suit, brought back my English ties from retirement and offered myself as a consultant to a Japanese firm.

Abandonment

The Japanese didn’t need my services, thus I decided that the best thing I could do was reopen a practice. ‘Practice for Preventive Therapy’ I called it. I didn’t want to get too involved in the symptom side of things – even if it was with natural medicine - but preferred to guiding people towards (more) self responsibility. A lot of money had to be loaned in order to get everything back on track. The idea that my reputation from the past would help me back on top soon, turned out to be a woeful illusion. In ten years the world had changed. Whilst before I was ‘as one eye king, in the land of the blind’, I shortly discovered, ‘now on every corner you could find a homoeopath’. People where largely accommodated and were clearly not looking for me. There was nothing else I could do but sell myself, promote myself, bring back the fame I had before. Whither I liked it or not, I had to ‘conform to the market’ and get along with it. Everything I undertook, however, coursed against the current of my most fundamental feeling of life. Whilst all the while I just wanted to be there for people, I had to intrude myself on to them, organising my life in a manipulative and instrumental manner with my fellow human beings as the object. While my motives came forth out of ‘giving back’ of what I was able to receive in this life, I was forced to really make every meeting count. The inner resistance became so big – and the troubles I had created where so complex - that I soon after became depressed. What had happened in heavens name? Was my choice a right one? One disaster followed another. Creditors who thought that now would be the right time to collect, whilst I only had debts in the first six months, they immediately send a bailiff to me. In the then following court proceedings I lost the case. Under this pressure I could simply no longer continue. There was nothing I could do but close down the practice.

After this overture I was utterly defeated. I became aware of my own frailty in comparison to the recurrent assaults that descended on me. I felt as a lamb amongst the wolves. Even my body was still frail and vulnerable, so much so that I consciously decided to eat and drink poorly: fries, meat and coffee. Just to have buffer and be able to give more resistance. No one recognized my ‘Cosmic Descent’, something that was not only a blow for my self-image, but also brought forth periods of great loneliness. Not a single person understood me, saw me, let alone ‘acknowledgement’. Whilst my Essence included the entire world, I felt excluded by the people. Only with nature was there resonance. I felt in conjunction with plants, the trees, the flowers and the bushes. Only they had the same subtlety, the same frequency. Inevitably, I was delivered more and more to the everyday world, my most precious Innerness was flooded under the multitude of influences. The most flabbergasting discovery was this: even one step into the world and immediately you get pulled in by the same world. ‘Self employment’ – if you would want such a thing – is an illusion; it inescapably makes you a slave of the system. I had no resistance against this ugliness in my life, all that ignorance, arrogance, bluntness, egotism and rudeness. I felt abandoned by the Divine. I ended up between a rock and a hard place, neither was I from this world or from the other.

Self-centeredness

One escape out of the Void was there, namely by expanding my little I. I was aware of it ever since childhood. Every time when I felt cast out or rejected, I withdrew into my ivory tower. Out of my self-exaltation I widened my gaze on all of them who stood beneath me. For some time it seemed to be a comfortable position, until the separateness becomes painfully apparent. Then you do need the other and the descent starts. Or, as I much later experienced in symphony music, literally swell out of my little I that becomes so great and powerful that in a short time ‘expands into the entire space’, a powerful feeling, simply fantastic. Especially for a person like me, that from a young age ‘lost’ self respect and felt put behind and powerless. If I was no longer nourished from the Source ‘I would take care of it myself’. A slogan from my early childhood, I realized. If it gives you temporary enlightenment, there is nothing wrong with expanding yourself, I told myself. I am continuously aware of it, after all. Wasn't it the purpose of the Dark Night to let all the unprocessed parts come to the surface?  Integration inherently means openness, acceptance of especially those things of yourself, that are less pretty. So I would just let it come. Countless excluded psychological contents surfaced. My Mind – conscious awareness - saw to it that simultaneously and actively different sub-aspects got integrated. It also gave me the insight that with Enlightenment alone you aren’t there yet. This is (in a negative sense) confirmed by private stories on enlightened masters by close friends and followers. Without exception these group of intimates inform us of ‘saints’ such as Tolstoy, Gandhi, Krishnamurti, Adi Da, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (Osho) and many more of their shadow sides, the regular bursts of anger from all those mentioned above are overly known. Sides that (weren’t) aren’t shown to the outside world, their self-image and self-interest won’t allow it. Thus bottling up their shadow inside, with the consequence that one after the other gets a serious chronic ailment. I was glad being able to learn from these kindred spirits, and thought myself lucky to have the courage to ‘decent’, to be able to do something about my own shadow side. During the first period I wrote the following self-ironical poem:

Everything in my life I got thanks to Heaven, earth and the human community. Without that I would be nothing. Therefore I can’t do anything else, but work for ‘the Whole’, a work that takes up 24 hours of my day. Working to me is a song of praise, a feast of thanks, a worship. However, to my shame I must recognize, that I – since I ‘came back into the world’ (1987 – 2002) – continuously brought violence unto myself. I didn’t do the work I should have been doing. Instead of only living in and out of the Self I repeatedly capitulated to the same world, thus continuously trampling e.g. betraying the most valuable, subtle, delicate, vulnerable, original, innocent, transparent, Which I in Essence Am. Everything that I thank to the True Life. Even whilst ‘I was there’ I allowed it, the worrying for the daily ‘survival’ that time and again prevailed. Every time again I made compromises – giving in to the pressure of my environment – which led me to being seduced into doing things – such as recruitment, self promotion, having a business mindset, self interest and management – that were diametrically opposite to my life feeling and purpose.

I necessarily feel back unto my small self, the same self, which through Great Experiences was bottom-met, so that I could no longer function (properly). Indeed, once you are called to Being, you are literally no longer of this world. With this empty self I therefore moved from exhaustion to exhaustion. Despite that, the cries of Being where not or insufficiently honoured by me. With result that same guilty feeling you have, when someone is in distress and calls for help, whilst you let them suffer their own fate. At times, the guilt would pile up to the extent that I literally disgusted myself. Do you feel the irony? The person, whose task it is to help the other become himSelf, is unable to allow himSelf the same. It’s fashion (these days), to entirely blame yourself. But that is only part of the truth. Besides having to deal with my own fears and concerns, it is also due to the environment (Western culture), which has no room for 'god people'. People who are called to Being, have no place in this performance driven society. They are just like everyone else sentenced to a constant struggle to ‘keep their heads above water’ in a materialistic sense. I still have not abandoned the hope that there will come a time, when this burden will be taken from me, not so much in the interest of myself, but for everything and everyone.

Jealous monologues

"I entered really radiantly. I am sure he has seen it. Not so nice for him. It was nevertheless clear that there was something about me. He sat there looking scrawny. And that's a meditation teacher. What a nerve some people have to play a teacher. It is really unbelievable. But yes, you see it, you fell through the basket pretty obviously. His little eyes will have opened. He also feels the difference of course. So that is why he was obviously as quick to disappear as he did”.

"Look I can do that too. There are quite a few nice things. But for the rest. Ministers talk is what it is. Gossip same as before, but in a different package. Philosophy it is, spinning of abstracts and beautiful words. So easy. Just read many books. There is always something that will stick. If you eat a lot of spinach, it will come out green all by itself. No, it's really nothing. It is not real, not original. It doesn’t come from your own experience, eh. This is everything but useful to people. Just another booklet amongst many. But yes, it looks good. Such people always have their act together”.

"He is pretty good. There are very good things in what they do. But he is a bit stuck in his head, very much so really, too intellectual, eh, something that we just need to turn down a bit. It is such a pity. Then he really isn’t so good. She is also such a scientist. That is why they are so deadly serious. You hardly ever see any people laugh there. They walk with their heads down over there. Also a bit extreme of course. A big jolt of joy wouldn’t hurt there”.

“Yes sure, he has so much need for attention. And how! You can see it even just at a first glance. He will never overcome it in himself. You can’t really do that of course. Surely you cannot be a master and enlightened, if you've still got unprocessed things. That is at the expense of the students. You can see clearly what is happening. He needs the people; he attracts them to bring them closer, while not releasing them. He displays his enlightenment as a flower, he attracts people like bees, and he then collects the honey. Hence the whole mumbo jumbo all the external jazz, it doesn’t bring his followers anything. For their spiritual liberation that is really not necessary. What an ego-trip actually, eh. How much tension would that cost him continuously. He has a number of chronic diseases. I think because he suppresses quite a few things. There is something wrong about all of this. For his followers that is quite destructive of course. They first get offered crutches to never lose them again”.

How come some people after they have received a first glimpse (not to mention those who have not even had one) immediately start playing the 'master', just unbelievable. Admittedly, their market-skills is something I'm missing. Their success is something to be occasionally jealous of. ‘Smart asses’ all over the place, they are so full of their mission, their beliefs and their right. Effortless however, I look right through them. Because they are empty barrels they fill themselves with 'God'. The inner uncertainty is filled with unstoppable missionary behaviour. The beautiful words are as sweet nectar from their mouths. The people must be enticed by their words. I am pleased, however, that I need not convince anyone.

The Inner Adversary

How much suffering must some go through just because they submit to a false doctrine! Your own approach to life is guilty to this. If you are covetous on enlightenment or in an instant course want to free yourself from suffering, then it is inevitable that you fall into the hands of those who promise you ‘eternal happiness’. Life is larger than than our designs. The first thing you need to know in this context is that even after the Great Experience, ego sooner or later will return. So not: once enlightened, always enlightened. Also, the road is not there to take away your suffering. On the contrary, the suffering will guide you continually. Its function is to always deliver new challenges, so you can grow. Life is like a flower. In the morning it opens, while in the evening it closes again. In practice this means, that daily consciousness - despite the Oneness in the background - has a always different quality. Sometimes more, sometimes less, sometimes clear, sometimes clouded. The problem arises when you identify with your ideal, blocking the ‘daily Here and Now’. The Here and Now is the only gateway to liberation, however small. The irony: addiction to liberation is the biggest obstacle on the spiritual Path.

The second thing you need to know is that in accordance with the increase of the inner Light the ego also grows.Why? The reason is that with the expansion of consciousness the existence of the ego is threatened. The danger is that it dissolves into Nothingness. Driven by existential fear it will therefore do anything to survive. Consciousness expansion and ego-strength run parallel with each other. Light and shadow are two sides of the same coin! If the Light increases, then there is an increasing of shadow as well. It means that there are constant clashes taking place between you - your New Self - and your ‘inner adversary’. And that's not all. As we know the function of the I is to identify with inner and outer objects. That has its usefulness, because it guarantees a certain amount of security in daily (social) life. On the spiritual Path the identification, however, becomes a hurdle. Identification with the everyday things (tie, car, partner), are innocent compared to spiritual attachments. It is incomparably more interesting for the ego to show off your spiritual ‘achievements’: I, ‘the enlightened one’. It is the biggest challenge on the Path. Most people - especially teachers - dare not to face it.

There is also another mechanism behind it. Assume that you have a great Opening (granted). Depending on the intensity (there are many different qualities of Realization), it remains in your consciousness for some time, dominating you. So much so, that you think this is it, this is the alpha and the omega. Why through the time that follows you might fail, to stay continuously self-critic. You think to have reached it, making further work on yourself no longer necessary. You're identified with the Light in such a way, that you may not notice that in your (extended) Space it is still possible for unprocessed content to be there. Something you can be sure of: there is always such content. They are only overshadowed by the Light, so that you do not notice it. It is repressed emotional material from the past: pain, anxiety, anger, inferiority, self-pity ... What happens? The more the Light grows, the more the complex sucks up the increased energy, making it expand step by step. The longer the time, the more the complex is fed by the Light. Until it is so strong that a limit is reached, that it may happen that the shadow overwhelms you and ‘slaps you in the face’. Before, you where still full of love and harmony, suddenly, it has made way for bitterness, hatred, frustration and negativity.

Catharsis

It is the reason why in many traditions catharsis occupies an important place. Personally it was the heaviest time in my life. Sometimes I was also helped. Sometimes, when the clenched energy doesn't find an way out anymore, it suddenly provokes a breakthrough. Energy and resistance together can develop an enormous internal glow and heat. If then a critical border is reached, it burns your old structures in one blow.. The higher energetic level is putting such a pressure on your unprocessed parts, that these disappear into the burning glow. This chain reaction is both spiritual as well as physical; both are cleaned at the same time. Sometimes this passes only once, others experience this cleansing more often. Here the necessity plays a role. Characteristic nearly always is an overwhelming feeling of orgastic joy or an unrestrained unlimited power, a permeability, an internal release, and finally a complete internal silence, and peace. Your internal Space is cleansed and brighter like ever before. This Primordial Phenomenon is well-known in many spiritual traditions. I experienced it for one and a half years continuously. The chapter `Kundalini' acts over it.

Identity

To great shock I noticed very soon, that any identification with an alleged goal did not hold. In everything I undertook, there was a beginner-enthusiasm - creativity and ideas abound - to discover shortly after that the energy had flowed away. This was all the more painful in those cases, in which I by my enthusiasm I had involved others in my projects. I pained my head to find out what it was. Never had I experienced this, at least not to such a degree, as then. Of course, I realized that the Absolute had literally undermined me*. By pulling me into Its space and solve into it, all my ties ‘with the world’ were cut. I was declined the power to identify with anything. So everything came from Nothing and sank immediately back into it. There was no me, no permanent active mind, that could ensure continuity. How many people did I disappoint without them having the means to understand. It also meant that it would be really hard, if not impossible, to operate in this world, a world where it came down to being precisely targeted, effective and ... profitable. Out of panic I did everything to keep myself standing. Involuntary ending up in the gutter was not something I was looking forward to. Yet it constant came very close to that point. I had twisted and turned myself, tried everything, I adjusted myself to fit were I did not belong, a week without eating anything, I’ve been charming people, begged for support, I betrayed my true Self and reduced to unacceptable levels, only to remain standing. I envied the saints of India, who are valued for Being and not for their external productivity. Instead of such respect, I increasingly experienced how everyone here, uses everyone.

* The Mission is that one step by step restores the I-functions - this time in the service of the Whole - in order to "ultimately" achieve a new balance between Emptiness and form, between What You Are and its functions. Only then the spiritual Path can be considered a success.

The irony of it all was that ‘to simply Be mySelf’ was unattainable. When I really was mySelf –which I always propagate towards others no less - I ended up immediately merging in the Void, in Nothingness. All energy is then poured out in perfect clear-present doing-nothing. I'm then sitting blissful in a chair the whole day, like in my heavenly years, where it would take up sometimes even weeks in a row. Then nothing comes out of my hands. While with others ‘Being yourSelf’ is an important quality, a guarantee for optimal creativity, an enterprising spirit and prosperity, it worked for me just the other way around. Sitting in a chair is non-productive, no one who is interested in that, it’s not something that insures your livelihood. To be able to function properly, you set yourSelf aside and through an artificially constructed identity will have to find your way. Isn’t it ironic? When you have ‘reached It’, you are unable to preserve it and you will be forced back away from it. Just because in this society you have no other choice. If you in Essence are not allowed to be here, who are you or how should you be? The search for a ‘proper form’ in which to manifest myself brought me ‘headaches’ for years. A hundred and one different inner voices - each with a well meant opinion - are competing with each other each other within me: "Make yourself simply known as the new Buddha", or "Go work for poor people" (indeed, I spent six months in Brazil working) or "Just do what you like" or "Play a Divine Fool in theatre", or "start a farm" or "simply apply for a job" (I've actually applied at nearly forty different development organisations) or... nothing worked. Any identification was immediately scuffled. When you’ve realized the Void, it is stronger than anything that arises within it. Before you can cling to something, it is already gone. It was clear that I was hopelessly stuck within myself and the world. Fortunately, there were friends who occasionally at the right time stuck forth a rescuing hand, so that for a short time I could continue.

Incidentally: "Not making a choice if you think you should make one" also clearly played a role. Intuitively, I understood that this purgatory and this suffering had a function. Pinning Myself down at this stage - if I could even do such a thing - seemed because of that to not be the right way. One bright spot was the Divine Spark, the Inner Space, thus far I could leave everything as it was without it in Essence effecting me. There was suffering, but I was not determined by it. Such inner freedom never left ‘my side’, the reason why It also made it possible to maintain - visible to others - my momentum.

Because I was about to sank further into self-pity, I was forced to approach my whole process in a constructive manner. A number of methods such as bio-energetics, I had already tried, but hadn’t experienced much because of it. I finally opted for Voice Dialogue. What I wanted was integration of all aspects of my psyche, after all. A technique in which the interaction of both the suppressed emotions, the reflections (the ‘I’) and the conscious attention is being equally addressed. What I later called ESI (Emotional self-integration). I owe a lot to it. Instead of wanting to change myself, I gave everything consciously space to come up. Emotions always come forth out of parts of yourself, not from the I. Because you in essence are not them, so you can give them space easily. The emotion has the opportunity to be itself, express itself. Then reflection gives his comment, followed by recognition, acceptance and the loving embrace of the particular part, as a part of itSelf, followed by conscious silent attention. This process covered several hours a day and lasted for at least ten years! From one often came the other, it is amazing what lies dormant within you and how easy it can be made aware. Next to self-centeredness my dominant sub-personalities included grief and self-pity, envy and hatred, angst and fear of contact, bloatedness and arrogant. All contents would be integrated in the process as parts of myself, while lovingly embraced. Although they were initially raw, unpolished, and repulsive, having a ‘negative’ character, they were, as they became more integrated, more and more part of the Whole. Undone of their separateness and sharp side, the same properties seemed to serve the Whole very well. Transformed pain (to me) became the ability for empathy, anger became resistance against injustice, narcissism the opening to the Love in myself and pompousness ‘the creating a new society’.

While you are moving towards the Light, I’m coming back from it

Kennemerduinen 1990
"My" Sacred Grove

As usual, I sat on my bicycle again, enjoying the surroundings. As a ‘first nature’ I felt my feet on the pedals, my rear end loose in the saddle and the handlebars as extension of my arms. My cycling, the bike and I were one. There was a tremendous force being freed, I didn’t cycle, It cycled me. Suddenly and totally unexpected, I was part of it all. It was everywhere, the trees, the dunes and ‘I myself’, were equally merged in It. It was a Condition, in which Emptiness and strength were two sides of the same coin. Absolutely spontaneously I howled great cries of joy. I couldn’t do anything but completely giving in to my madness. As a drunkard I was propelled. What persisted for a long time so much, that upon arrival home my friends could see it. My eyes must have been ‘quite different’. It is an example of the fact that, even in the ‘Dark Night of the Soul’ my ‘Experiences’ just continued. Therefore the Dark for me was Light enough.*

* Reference to John of the Cross.

Japan and HongKong

By ‘coincidence’, I had the privilege to spending nearly two years in the Far East. First in Japan, then in Hong Kong. It was two of the happiest years of my life. The arrival in Japan was overwhelming. The combination of a culture that is seemingly so ‘strange’ to us, with the simultaneous feeling of homecoming. I had not gone there for the ‘spirituality’. To do sesshins in a Zen monastery had no attraction for me, for example. My desire was to just live there for a time and explore all aspects of Japanese life for myself. The outward perfection (of the Japanese culture) reflected my inner state. It was the spiritual ethics e.g. beauty that attracted me. I enjoyed everything without distinction. Imagine my surprise, that one day I was approached by a Shin-Buddhist priest with the request to give Zen training to people of his temple. Without thinking I agreed. It would be one of the most fulfilling periods.

Encouraged by my Japanese experiences, shortly after my arrival in Hong Kong I opened the Maitreya Mind Wholeness Centre. Unlike Japan, this was not aimed at local people, but for expats, Westerners. It was amazing how quickly you get contacts in such major cities. Foreigners are all organized in clubs and eagerly look forward to every newcomer, in order to break their boredom. In no time they organised a lecture evening. It takes little effort for people to become interested in your activities. So I soon thereafter had a meditation group. Incidentally, I found the ambience of Hong Kong also invigorating. Most people think only of the big city and forget that outside the city there is a large countryside with tropical rainforest, authentic Chinese villages, about 220 different islands and plenty of beaches. Thus, for example, I lived on Lantau Island in a house with a roof terrace, on the one hand, overlooking the mountains covered with forest and on the other side the beach, the sea and small islands. It was breathtaking and deeply peaceful.

MeiMei

Everyone thinks of course, that "I took" MeiMei from Asia to the Netherlands. Nothing is further from the truth. I met her at the ISS, the training institute of the Dutch Government for the Third World, where she had just graduated (doctorate) in Regional Development. It was at a South American party, where she sat unmoved by the crowd. That unmovedness touched me so deep immediately, that I was love struck. Later that evening I told friends: "I have not met a woman, but a flower". In this context it may well be noted that for many years I resonated more often with flowers than with people. That quiet beauty gives recognition to my deepest inner self. Thus it was for me with meeting MeiMei. The events followed each other rapidly. Action was needed, because her parents were not too keen to give their consent to a ‘love adventure’ with a Western man. Soon I came to know a little more on her background. MeiMei's parents had quickly participated in the Liberation of China by Mao Ze Dong. By selection, they were subsequently admitted to the central government. For instance - in an aside - MeiMei's mother was a frequent dancing partner of Mao. When MeiMei's mother married and subsequently got pregnant, she wanted to end the pregnancy, because it impeded her commitment to the Revolution. Through personal intervention of Zou En Lai - the exceptional and humane premier of China - this was prevented. The latter thus became the godfather of MeiMei, without whom she would never have existed. MeiMei grew up very protected within the walls of the State Council, a complex adjacent to the Forbidden City. She still remembers Mao Ze Dong well. She swam often with him in the same pool...

Our love from the beginning was greater than ourselves. It was a feeling similar to continuously being in the same space together. As crazy as it sounds, but through that, the personal was as it were set to the background. Everything from the outset played out on a different level. Everything took (takes) place in the context of subtle joy. There is a mutually understanding without any need for effort to be done. There was therefore in no way a sense of cultural diversity. Of course, there were aspects that I found interesting. Like the fact that her father was the first secretary of the party leader Hua Feng Kwo (the first party leader after Mao Ze Dong) and her mother was head of the secretariat of the State Council (the government). In ancient China MeiMei would because of this have been a princess. And it felt (feels) as such. Her inner nobility, her natural balance, her subtlety and the loving presence gave (gives) our relationship an unprecedented dimension. What to this day (Spring 2005: just married for twelve and half years) continues. Strangely enough in her youth she never discovered her own (spiritual) tradition. That was prohibited in the years of Cultural Revolution. (Incidentally, her family has experienced many of the terrible things, about which so many books are written. MeiMei is however reluctant to talk about it).

In addition to our love that hangs around us as a silk garment, we have a very positive spiritual interaction. She is my angel (‘sent by the Great Mother’) who has helped me to gain greater inner stability, while she in turn felt drawn towards awareness and meditation. She has such a ‘natural talent’ for this - She IS silence – that’s why already for several times she had ‘led’ in groups. That she is also an extremely talented therapist and a teacher in Traditional Chinese Medicine, is hardly noteworthy, as many people have already experienced this in full effect. MeiMei is really a miracle child. ‘Her roots brought’ shyness and a modest mix of being close to herself, dedication, skill and a great aptitude for communication where visible. She dedicates herself with heart and soul to self-imposed tasks. She shines in everything she tackles. At this moment it is medicine. For already ten years she deepened the knowledge of it. As a sociologist with interest in epidemiology she already had a connection to it. But even Chinese cooking, Fenshui advice, website design, Chinese painting and dance come easily to her. How privileged I Am to I be able to be so intimate with her and live together. From my many previous experiences, I know that this is indeed unique. I pray in silence, that she and I together still have a long future ahead us, for the benefit of everyone and everything.

Tribulations
Escape from the hell of the future

However, when I thought ‘I had everything had passed’, this still came on top of everything else. In 1992 it started. My wife MeiMei and I were simultaneously experiencing complaints, in the beginning especially upon getting out of bed. We were both inexplicably tired, all day long. More hours I sat tired on the couch or was in bed so tired I felt paralyzed, unable to do anything. Tired, tired, tired without knowing why that is, is a strange sensation. When walking we both had a ‘unreal feeling’, as if there was no contact with the ground. It was as if we walking ‘on cotton’. It was very annoying that we both started to think less and less clear, it was as if our heads became ‘blocked’ to an increasing extent. I could, for example, sit for a long time ‘absently’ staring in front of me. Common was also, that at night we would more often awake with a bloated feeling in the abdomen. In the morning we were often sick to the feeling of vomiting.

In the course of a few weeks, the complaints didn’t only intensify; there were also other ailments, especially at night. While she had pain in the joints and muscles, I could hardly catch any sleep or awoke with major unrest - always between one and two at night. I had this feeling that my system would give out, I was often cold to my bones, drilling pain between my shoulder blades, often sweating, palpitations and had the feeling ‘slipping away’, going under. The excited feeling, especially in my head, heart area and back increased, until it amounted to panic. At its peak it was ‘unbearable’ and I had to get out of my bed. It has happened that I escaped the house and tried to sleep in the car. Life during the daytime changed even more and more. We were increasingly reluctant to go out, for example. We saw up against everywhere, even shopping seemed too heavy. At home we did not even do so much. The mood was dampened, dominated by worrisome thoughts. In particular, I had moments of restlessness, irritability, stress and agitation.

Despite all the worry was the cause for us at that time not clear. The situation was however quickly untenable. Fortune smiled on us, at the same time we had to go to Germany. And hence, from the first night, we slept elsewhere, our problems were over. Both my wife and I were free of all our ailments. We could not believe it. But at the same time it dawned on us: it has to do with the residential area. Coming home, the fatigue and unreal feeling took immediate possession of us, while also the complaints at night were there again immediately. We began to be desperate and then - because there was nothing else to do – called in an expert in the field of radiation. With the help of modern equipment and with the utmost care he measured the entire morning and came to the concussion that the place was ‘tainted’ with ‘earth rays’, a magnetic field and electromagnetic radiation. Causes: presumably fault lines and / or watershed in the ground, radio, TV, and radar waves as well as electro smog in the house itself (electric cables, lights and appliances such as computers, TV). On my body he could measure the consequences: a immune system, which has dropped far below the normal value.

Fortunately, he had a solution. By digging small rods into the ground at the right places around the house, the problem would be corrected. And yes, miraculously, we felt normal the rest of the day whilst the night was just paradise. We felt liberated from the nastiness that had us in its grip for so long. Unfortunately, after living normal for five days, ‘it’ came back. And even though the expert tried everything, he could not deflect the radiation definitively. In the end there was nothing else we could do: we had to leave the house. Our residence, home, work, our physical and mental health, everything was suddenly fleeting. And while for example, our work had just begun to take shape. We had no Income or assets. I refused welfare on principle. What should we do, where to go?

Temporarily we could stay in a flat offered to us by good friends, we were able to recover. And what was most important: there was no electro-stress! Then when we found an abroad stage place for a year, we grabbed the opportunity with both hands. That year - on an island far away – it was not only a spa for the guests we received there, but also convalescence for us. Only after about six months we had the feeling to be ‘back on top again’. We barely welcomed the regained health, and again the fatigue struck. Moreover, during the night I got very unpleasant shocks in my legs. Because of our previous experiences we became wise; we soon found the (probable) cause behind it. It couldn’t be electro smog in this case, no question about it. Not only did we live far away from the inhabited world, the symptoms were different than before. We lived in a room of a brand new hotel. Our conclusion: it had to be formaldehyde, along with ‘wood protection chemicals’, both for the new (wooden) interior. If we slept outside our room, we had no problems. Then after a year the business prospects were getting clouded as well, we decided on leaving the island.

Back in the Netherlands - without financial resources – slightly pressured by our past experiences and uncertain about what was in store for us now; the first few months we had in were not that bad a time. Again we lived temporarily in a house and so bided time to let us consider our next step. It finally became a small house in the countryside. We had become such good ‘antennas’, that we could ‘measure’ the electro smog ourselves. If there was electro smog somewhere, then we would feel that immediately. There was no electro-stress in that house, so the choice was not difficult. So, we began Again. A medical practice in a sparsely populated area had been no easy task, but we were hopeful. Until a few months when I started to get a thicker belly. It didn’t matter what I ate, the belly remained full and bloated. As a doctor for natural medicine you are supposed to be able to do something about it. I tried everything: from skipping evening dinner (what brought slight relief) as well as fasting for a month. Days of hard work - I wrote a book - and periods of fatigue, exhaustion and depression (ME) exchanged each other regularly. The moments of irritation and agitation came back. Again I experienced the (dramatic) nocturnal crisis, with fear and panic ‘to fall away’, extreme cold, sweating, all this sometimes several times a week. Many hours, my wife assisted me with everything she could: ear acupuncture, moxa, massage and footstool reflex massage. Nothing, however helped adequately enough, until I discovered that the cause of the crises were wheat and lactose intolerance.

Meanwhile also the nightly trembling and shocks in my legs aggravated greatly. Pain is easier; this is such a horrendous feeling. After several weeks of a wheat- and milk free- diet, these symptoms as well as such the crisis luckily started to subside and I began to feel better. The practice proved unsuccessful, there were hardly any revenues and because we really had become somewhat uncertain through the events about the house and the place, we again decided to leave. It was clear in my mind that we had to remain mobile. An old caravan (no shower / toilet) was our next home, on an area owned by friends who welcomed us very warmly. But yes, what to do now again? We were now becoming nomads without permanent domicile or residence. And the most annoying was that our new place was not entirely radiation free. We had quickly tired of it all and searched our way out far from here. Because we were greatly aware, that (especially west-) Netherlands because of its radiation-density was (is) one of the unhealthiest countries in Europe. We decided to leave, this time we tried Ireland. According expectation (and certainly not a pun of self suggestion) there was nothing to discern, no electro-stress, no (noticeable) pollution, it was such a relief. However my wife and I both got a massive flu, she coughed for ten days and probably had a mild pneumonia. Explanation (through 28 years of medical experience): ‘detox’ effects after our prior run in with poison and electro-stress load. With friends who lived there for some time, we made plans for the future. Our status as environmental refugees also had its good sides, we kept telling ourselves. Otherwise, we would have never set foot on this in this green island. There was only one snag in the cable; my Chinese woman had not seen her family in five years. The family visit - to China - had priority so Ireland still had to wait. Worrying we asked ourselves how the radiation situation in china would be, it was conceivable that it would be so bad, that we would have to head back on the first plane out. There is however a pleasant surprise waiting for us there. Despite the (relative) network coverage of the capital, there was no electro-stress! (I now know that they apply much stricter standards). Only when I was too close to the TV, a computer monitor or under a ceiling of neon light, I noticed ‘it’, like phoning with a mobile phone, this unfortunately after a few weeks got so bad that I had to consistently guard for it. I otherwise got very dizzy from a spinning head, it would get cold in my legs, I then didn't feel the ground any longer, I walked rather uncoordinated, besides that I had a throbbing pain between my shoulder blades and in my joints. I wasn't completely desperate, as long as I stayed at a distance of those devices I functioned reasonably well. Fortunately at a given moment, I had a good insight. Years ago a biological dentist had told me that you 'could load fillings', then you could get all types of ailments. If you then bite on tinfoil, the tension dissolved, sometimes so much so that for a short time I could enjoy the TV.

Except that I could help myself now, there was an important insight born in me. If my ailments quickly and clearly diminished by the bite on tin foil while watching TV, it proofed that by electro-magnetic waves your fillings can be charged, and become ‘antenna’ in your own mouth. Twelve years earlier, I had already replaced all my amalgam fillings. I now had at least fourteen! gold inlays. Would they have to been taken out now? I tried not to think about it. Did palladium, a precious metal, which is often mixed with gold, also play a role? More questions arose. Could I even still function in society or was I finally convicted to a remote area for the rest of my life? Not quite willy-nilly, because ‘aid worker’ (...) was always an option for me which still remained persistent. And my wife, how was she coping with all this? While I was in China I remained relatively free of ailments, the first thing upon arriving in the arrivals hall of ‘Schiphol’ Amsterdam International Airport, I felt ... immediately that annoying throbbing pain between my shoulder blades and the unreal feeling in my legs and head, the same thing I previously had always felt in the Netherlands. We quickly went back to what had now become a summer cottage (caravan), where I, however, couldn’t stay a day. We were luckily immediately sheltered by a friend, who offered us a room.

Without a number of good friends, who often helped us without completely understanding, we wouldn’t have made it. I visited a fellow doctor whom I know well and appreciate greatly for her advice. After extensive research, she diagnosed ME (CVS) with root causes found in wheat and a milk intolerance, mercury (from my previous fillings), the electro-stress, digestion disorders and candida, for which I got treatment. In the beginning everything seemed fine, but after a while the nightly unrest returned. As if your brains starts to wiggle. We of course moved the bed, however nothing helped. One time everything just became too much, that in the middle of the night

I fled my house to spend the rest of the night on an acquaintance sofa. So it was good (again, or so we thought) that we had to go to Germany for potential new work, because in the past we’ve had such good experiences there. Especially because we were going to my beloved mountains, we had a cheerful journey towards our destination. Upon our arrival a severe disappointment awaited me. Both outside in the hills, the village, and the farm Inn the pain between my shoulder blades came back. Later I learned that electro smog in some mountain areas can be worse because of the enhanced communications (telephone, radio) network. That night I was happy to have just endured it and so we left the next day to our second appointment 400 kilometres to the north.

That night in the hotel I will not soon forget. not only did I wake up in the usual panic, I also had all the symptoms of a heart attack: tightness in the chest, pain radiating to the jaw and left arm, anxiety and sweat on the forehead. My dear wife did everything to help me get out of it but at half past two (at night) I thought: "Now it's over. Not with me, but with the situation. I take the car, drive to the Netherlands (eight hour drive), and immediately go to my dentist who has to take out all my gold inlays in one sitting. I don’t want to ever again go through such a night ".

And thus happened, after initially loosing it again in the car, I was actually feeling better and around lunchtime, I stood on the pavement of my dentist, who was just ready to begin his weekend. He worked and sweated for two hours and forty-five minutes. Everything inlay was now removed. With temporary filling in my mouth I rode back home. Two nights I was free of complaints. I was not only excited about it, but also saw it as a confirmation of my ‘theory’.

It was sad, that on the third night the symptoms re-emerged. I had made a mistake and for that mistake I paid a tremendous price, or so I thought at that time at least. I suddenly lost hope. I had no more new options. Again going to a different address seemed pointless. A cave in the Pyrenees seemed the only way out. Temporarily I chose another sleeping place in the same house (which was fortunately possible) and I spent much time out side. It was bearable for the most part I must say. Although when I am in the vicinity of a transistor radio, I would get a spinning sensation. My wife had been brooding on a solution all that time. She at a given moment began to give me Chinese scrape therapy on my back - guasha - she treated me, and ... believe it or not: my unrest immediately flowed away from my head and body. And what was an even bigger miracle: the next day I could spontaneously read without glasses, whilst before I wasn’t able to read without them for seven years!

Two days later I had another appointment with my doctor, who is still found mercury and glut-and lactose intolerance, but much less than the time before. Like the first time she treated me, with the support of an effective (Japanese) immune reinforcing therapy. Plus an injection (neural therapy, I performed these treatments all the time, but now undergoing it myself I didn’t think about that...) in an old scar that helped immensely. With the result, that for a while I could live in the same room, and had no complaints, I was no longer tired, and slept in the same bed, and to a modest degree ate yogurt and bread without the nightly complaints. For me an unprecedented luxury! I looked better, felt good, my eyes were clearer, my skin shined (my wife said), my stomach is flatter and the colon function significantly improved. In retrospect the consistency became clear to me. Taking out the inlays was still a golden ‘hand’. The complaints I had experienced directly afterwards, could be brought back to a temporary ‘healing aggravation’, as so often happened in a biological immune reinforcing therapy. What a relief.

The conclusion of all this is, that the fact of the electro-smog - the combination of earth rays, electric, electromagnetic pressure: radio, TV, wireless phones at home (handy), satellite links, high voltage lines, train stations, radar (military and civilian) and the pipes and electric appliances at home – at least for me it was undeniable. Fillings, both amalgam as well as gold inlays can function as an ‘antenna’ aerial. The mini high-voltage causes electro-stress in the brain, which in turn is experienced in the rest of the body and the psyche.

In the case of amalgam fillings (especially if you're watching TV, working with the computer or using a mobile phone) is raising the current difference with the mouth’s saliva, allowing mercury to dissolve and a chronic mercury poisoning can be the result. In my case its plausible that the subsequent gold inlays (by their high voltage) halted the spontaneous detoxification of mercury. Mercury, which as a result of 30 years of mercury poisoning from the many fillings, is mainly stored in the brain, liver and kidneys. So after removing my fillings for 12 years after a mercury load was still present in my system, which in turn can work as an antenna for the electro-smog. Moreover, with me the mercury load, along with my wheat and milk hypersensitivity caused my ‘weak nerves’, an additional reason why electro-smog wreaked such havoc on my system.

Especially the western part of the Netherlands apparently has one of the closest electro-magnetic systems of Europe. Only Germany is worse. The developments continue in a rapid motion. It is extra hard on sensitive people. The individual sensitivity is not only determined by the above factors, but also by personal capacity and (mental) constitution. It would be tragic, that people who become more aware and open, the world could use more of them, would be the first to suffer from the consequences of electro-smog. My spiritual life and 25 years of daily meditation practise could thus clearly have also played a role. People like me have the dubious advantage of having looked ‘in the hell of the future’. ‘Once returned’ they can tell other people what they ‘saw there’, warnings that will hopefully not fall on deaf ears. My advice is, in addition to work for an electro-smog free environment, at all times try to maintain a good balance between openness, responsiveness as well as I-strength and defensiveness. No small task!

It is also more than likely that the relationship electro-smog-madness-disease already plays a major role not only in individual cases, but also on a larger scale. Surveys in Germany (also a country with a dense network coverage) show (M. Fritsch, Dr.. B. Kern), the dramatic increase in myocardial infarction (and strokes) cannot be explained in any other way, then by electro-smog stress. The mechanism (the human body) relies on resonance. Cells and tissues (blood vessels for example) in the body resonate in harmony with the radiation until it become damaged. In addition there are also many other (chronic) ‘civilization’ diseases, everything can be traced back to immune weakness - one of the direct results of electro-smog – such as ME, Fibroyositis, Candida, allergies and intolerances, headaches, some occupational diseases (for example with dentists), rheumatic diseases, Alzheimer's, cancer and many others, are probably wholly or partially caused by it. I as an ‘antenna’ myself am enormously concerned about the extremely strong electro-smog stress in two ultra-modern hospitals I visited. The consistency with the tremendous psychological and work stress which by now is felt by more and more people can no longer be denied. Likewise there is an explosive growth of fatigue, insomnia, headaches, shoulder and back complaints, especially among office staff and managers, in countries like Japan and the U.S., as well as Europe is charged with electro-smog to a maximum. And what can be said about the recent increase in aggression, violence and crime (over agitated brain by electro-smog)? We seem to already be caught in a vicious circle: electro-smog, stress, mental disorders, aggression, disease and degeneration. On the basis of what is known now, it may even be that the future of our entire culture among others depends on how the problem of electro-magnetic stress is handled (short term). Consumers (consume-less), dentists, doctors and other health workers, patients and patients associations environmental organizations, the electronics industry (‘let's make things better ...’) and the government should in the short term intervene before it is too late. The future seems to still be hooked on technology. The only thing that is not disputed in all this is that the current growth - caught in the web that we created ourselves - at the expense of the life- happiness of many millions of people.

I have since my ‘illness’ conversed with many different people: expert and co-victims and studied a lot of literature. The ME syndrome (CVS) has many different accents and/ or causes. It showed that everyone who is sensitive - in addition to showing many similarities – doesn’t need to exhibit the same symptoms. This is partly dependent on personal history and that is different for everyone. An great number of victims hear high pitched tones in their ears (tinnitus) what I didn’t have. The situation as with my mouth is different for everyone. So it is not the case that everyone without distinction should pull their fillings. If you are thinking about this, first talk about it with your (nature) doctor and (biological) dentist. As for me, I have found it has unfortunately not been possible to live an entirely electro-stress free life. Luckily I feel better than ever – except for my ‘ordinary’ dizziness, fatigue and bone pain - but there are still some places where I will suddenly get my complaints back. Especially new (concrete) buildings, modern houses, the train because everywhere around you people are calling with their mobile phones, offices, hotels and places that can bring me unpleasant surprises. A random hotel booking in advance, ‘without knowing how it feels’, is a risky undertaking. Especially since spending one night in the ‘radiation’ totally literally breaks me. My energy in short time drops to a (dramatic) low, that I MUST leave the building in order to avoid worse. With the location in Amsterdam where we live now, I am gratified to have been lucky. It has so far prevented us from leaving - as previously – to find our refuge in ‘primitive’ places.

Brazil

In order to finish the story - the complaints still repeatedly came back - we decided to try our luck in Portugal. There were many elderly over wintering so we reasoned; the expectation of an income seemed quite reasonable. Helped by a loan - for which we are still grateful - we moved 'officially' to the Algarve. Optimistic as always ... we rented a nice house on a hill, with in the garden almond blossoms. Something everyone dreams of. Not that any nightmare-like situations arose immediately, but after a few months our 'small goldmine' turned out to rather be a group of elderly people who remained firmly clung to their money. For medical assistance they simply went to the cheap state hospitals.

In the middle of my misery, I hit rock bottom in several respects entirely. I got up one morning... and how, in an inexplicable way I was in a state of indescribable happiness. One in which I had no discernible reason but flooded on all sides from joy, strength and energy. I went outside and stomped furiously as a child, shrieked cries, I was chanting and hissing all around, an ecstatic wild man. Gradually it dawned on me, that this was the state of my heavenly baby period, that of the first two years, the time before my ‘great despair’. It was the re-connecting with my personal roots. Never did anything similar happen in my previous 56 years. Was it not a miracle? * While being an exceptional event, it cannot be compared with a Great Experience, the first is ecstasy (energy), the second is merging into the Divine (Consciousness).

Until our misery was so distressing that a Dutch family could no longer watch it and suggested "whether we wanted to immigrate to Brazil" One of their sons had a position within the Government in the region of Paraná. He could help us. With our backs against the wall we were ready to make a leap. Thus we went to Brazil. As unknown as we were with the place upon arrival, soon we were at home there. The Brazilians received us with incredible warmth. In a short time we were in contact with people who were relevant to us. In particular, we were introduced to the staff - director and internist - of the local 'SUS' hospital for the poor, a hospital called 'Erasmo the Rotterdam’ no less. A personal residence was not even discussed. The physician-director insisted that we take up a room in his house, including use of the common living room, kitchen and a private shower/toilet.

The warmth of the Brazilians is something we will always remember. And their enthusiasm of us offering our services, while in Europe you need to fight for a small corner of a niche market - something that fundamentally goes against our principles - they could not get enough of the fact that ‘we had come all the way from Europe for them’. It was like a warm shower to us. That was reinforced by the fact that we were immediately invited to all possible 'friends', invariably at barbecue parties. That caught us of guard in the beginning, because we were 'mostly' vegetarian. At the beginning we only ate tomato slices and parsley. When it got noticed, it was made quite clear to us that it could not go on in such a manner. It was understandable. To no longer bruise the hospitality we decided to eat meat, as well. And to our surprise, whilst I still had a little bit of electro-stress, it was gone within a week, the meat had provided for a necessary 'buffer'. (Ps And do not think that this is the solution for everyone!) For me, in any case it worked. It is the reason that I can still function reasonably after so much time.

Like earlier in Hong Kong everything fell easily upon us, spontaneously and quickly things were organized. It seems that The Netherlands is completely welded shut (in several respects). Thus, we not only introduced natural medicine to the hospital, but also started a fairly large high blood pressure project in the city (Curitiba). But as if that is not enough, there was a course 'Flow-System Therapy' for all the directors of the large municipal institutions (health, sports, elderly aid and care, agriculture, nutrition etc.). It was the reason for the translation of my flow-system book into English, something that many people since then very much appreciated*.

* Freely published on the Internet. You can look it up at www.vitalworld.org

The spiritual interest of the Brazilians is enormous. In small villages there are often numerous church- and respectively sect- buildings, almost all charismatic and well attended. The indigenous forms of voodoo (Candomblé for example) blooms, in addition different ‘occult’ movements such as the ‘Kardekism’. The latter even owns a university. We were invited to give a lecture on spirituality. Everything was organized in a spontaneous Brazilian manner. A full room with all very interested young people who were asking questions. The senior professor - in yoga and Indian philosophy - was very fascinated... and offered us to set up a spiritual center on an estate of 2500 hectares. All for nothing, a gift... something you definitely couldn’t imagine happening here (the Netherlands). Logical therefore, that we were very interested initially. Therefore we went to take a look at the estate. The country was lovely, tropical and incredibly beautiful. It ended at sea, where a local variety of dolphins had their home. Unfortunately, however in the immediate vicinity was an itinerants-village, whose inhabitants were notorious for their violence. For us (as "rich Westerners') to be isolated in their vicinity seemed potentially dangerous. Moreover, there was the handicap of not mastering the language. Spiritual readings in Portuguese, was simply undoable for me. We had to unfortunately for those reasons declined the offer.

Not long afterwards the professor asked me to tell my life story, something nobody ever had requested so explicitly. After I had briefly told him the most important parts of it, he said after a long silence: “Do you know that you have achieved the highest degree of Achievement?” “Yes” I said “I know.” “Can you at any time, whenever you want, be in a State by simply holding your breath”, he asked further. “Well”, I said, “I am not so interested, but when I'm in the Condition the breath is indeed ‘absent’ for a long time.” “Try it”, he recommended me. Thus I did. And indeed, every time I held my breath subtlety on the exhalation, I shot through the narrow section of a hourglass into another Dimension. Oh, so I guess it works that way, I thought simply.

Shortly after, I realized the span of it. If I indeed in a totally 'natural' way can shoot into this dimension of Realisation, then such is my Life, out of which I should live. Suddenly my 'playing around' disappeared. This I could no longer ignore. And through it simultaneously my responsibility was made apparent. From that moment on the deepest insights surfaced. My weakness was replaced by an ever permeating subtle force. The great fear of all those previous years, which was to show my Original 'Face' to the outside world, had also dropped off of me. The recognition by only one man had become decisive. Something that couldn’t have sparked by a ‘Divine Experience’. Infinity grateful I am to him for the fact that I met him along my Path. I prayed, that I in turn, as such would be able to confirm people in their existence, as they would come onto me. To find resonance in the Core of Being isn’t that the greatest desire of everyone?

Final tribulation

The biggest shock however was still ahead of me. It corresponds to the situation in the Parzival legend, as Parzival after his Enlightenment and years of wanderings (integration process) for the last time appears at Arthurs Court, he assumes that only praise and honour will be bestowed on him. Suddenly there appears a terribly ugly old woman - Kundy (destructive aspect of the Great Mother) - which in any possible way accused and scalded him. She made it clear that the ‘good deeds’ were not carried out from a pure state of Being, reducing its value to nothing. The same happened to me too. After a quarrel with my wife she gave the same response to me. I realized as never before, that ‘albeit I always did things out of service for my fellow man’ – and thus always done with the best intentions - but that this (unconsciously!) was inspired by my quest for recognition, appreciation and ... love. To acquire love I have quite literally done everything. Never have I experienced so fully the pain of lack of love that was at the root of my ‘continuous effort’, ‘receiving by giving’*, that has always been my (unconscious) strategy. My whole life was determined by it, how unbelievably painful to have to experience this.

* That does not mean that I - in accordance with my degree of insight – was not always sincere. Moreover, in my (many) moments of Inclusive Consciousness the Original Condition was restored and as a result of that there was (is) nothing between me and ‘my surroundings’. Did this however diminish, then self-centeredness - without being aware of it - got between it.

Immediately, spontaneously, I entered a deep state of mourning. Again and again I let the realization of what I had missed in my life arise and move through me. With my new outlook on things, I re-experienced countless of situations from my past. It confirmed that in your growth process you keep bumping up to the same things again and again, but every time on a new level of insight. The seriousness of my problem was consistent with the final stage on my Path. At the same time a deep regret and repentance arose in me. How many people had I unnecessarily burdened by my ignorance? But also with regard to myself, because of the huge need for love, I have never in my life been able to experience real compassion. I thanked the ‘Great Mother’ and MeiMei, that I was able to in all depths have realised and experienced* this. It is never too late, yes, all things happen exactly ‘at the right time’. I can think that it was all a 'loss'. The Ultimate in all Her Wisdom knows better, though. It has given me so much suffering and bestowed maturity onto me. Deep gratitude arose within me. What a patience She has had with me! And all this for ‘me’, She is truly the only Source of Love.

* I of course knew long before about my problem, but never deeply and painfully enough. Often only after deepest grief, do you come to a real turnaround.

It was absolutely clear to me why ‘I had not not been ready’ yet, why, although having received immeasurable Grace, I wasn't able to fruitfully working in the world. Intuitively I knew that there was still an important barrier between it. Fortunately, I awarded myself the time - which at times could be pretty intense - to discover.

It is thanks to the endless compassion of the Great Mother that I got this opportunity. Now that nothing stands between it anymore Her compassion flows freely through me. Now I can share Her Compassion for the world with everyone. As Parzival did before me, when he for the second time entered the Grail Castle, he asked about the wellbeing of the sick Fisher-King. Immediately the whole palace exclaimed with joy. Countless decades they had waited. Because of the inability of the king - and his egocentrism – and separateness from the Source - the whole country had turned into a wasteland. They waited for compassion from an outsider - someone from outside the system, which had followed the True Path - something that was now rewarded. The king promptly healed and the whole country flourished.

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Last update:07/24/13