November 12, 1999

I got what is called an "alimentary dream". These can happen due to a weak digestion. Especially in cases where you eat too much or/and too late in the evening. The chance that toxins re-enter the bloodstream "poisening you" is considerable. This has its effects on the brain. These kind of dreams are always very superficial, chaotic, varied and without meaning. Lesson: this is also part of life. Maybe I should limit my evening meals even more than I already do! 

November 13, 1999

How priviledged I am! The Moment the Mother revealed HerSelf to me - erasing my whole existence - was certainly unique and will not repeat itself*. So what is the Secret of Her Presence in everyday life? Something that goes beyond the mind: images, projections, concepts or ideas? Today I will share it with you.

* See: "Revelation of the Great Mother" chapter "Absolute Nothingness"

Longing for Her Reality is the deepest emotion possible. But where can you find Her? What is the manifestation of Her True Nature? I will tell you: it is the Night. Hence, the moments before sleeping are the most sacred of all. So, every evening in the bed I spend time to be together with Her.

November 14, 1999

MOTHER PRAYER
Perfect Emptiness
Womb of the All
Abbyss of Nothingness
Giving birth out of
Unfathomable Bottomlessness
Origin of all-that-is
Of Being and all existence
Mother of God
The universe and the green earth
The grass, the trees, the animals, people
The rivers, the rocks and the clouds
In the selfsame eternal Moment
Taking everything back into Your Lap
May we continuously
Die and becoming reborn
Being part of he Whole, once again
Mother, Eternal Wisdom
Sacred Mystery
Law of the universe
All-Embracing One
Refuge to the lost
Comfort to all those who suffer
Healer of the sick
Have Mercy upon us

In bed I received proof of Mother's healing power. This time it was a nasty ear pain I had for some days, already. After trustfully surrendering to Her all-inclusive Darkness I "gave my pain back to Her". Immediately the pain was gone!

My dreams appeared not to be so "positive", though. First of all, I was participant to an omelet baking contest. The result was bad. I even wasn't mentioned at all on the list of the best ten. Then I saw myself near Amersfoort (town in Holland). It had a very unusual two railway stations. I couldn't find my suitcase in the first, so I had to walk to the other. Eventually, I arrived and everything was allright.

After a day of perfection the Mother typically showed me "the other side of the coin". Knowing me! She is concerned about my tendency of conceit. So She paints a realistic picture of my situation. I still find myself between two stools. On the one hand the failure of an ego-centric life (baking contest); on the other not having put my full trust in Her yet (still have to search my suitcase/treasure! in the OTHER railway station).

To me a life of trust and surrender is a difficult one. I intuitively feel, that this is THE "project" for the rest of my life, though. "Rejoice, you have no choice" is what I (often) say to myself. Deep within my determination is unshakable. Too often I received Her overwhelming Grace, already. That's why in the dream finally everything is allright. Looking out of my window, how crystal-fresh the morning light is! 

Some may ask how is it possible, that a "Fully Enlightened One" still struggles with problems of everyday life? Isn't he supposed to be perfect? They may even doubt his credentials. The answer is, that it depends on your insight in life. Do you deny your personality as being part of the Whole, identifying yourself with your Perfect Self only, or are you accepting it? In the last case, working on integration will never cease. 

Gratefulness and joy.

By the way, the same is true with regard to the fact, that he is taking refuge in the "Mother". Isn't that a regressive setback? Isn't on the other hand "the Light within you?" Answer: no, the Divine is not "within you", but you are within the Divine. It isn't smaller than you, locked up somewhere in a golden box....The Light is penetrating the whole of existence, including you. So, if you go within, you will find IT. If you go without, you will find IT too. 

The Divine is infinitely bigger than you.

November 15, 1999

My whole life I have been a skeptic. Despite the impressive evidence of Grace bestowed upon me. One recent example is the way we found our hermitage. Only three weeks before we had to move out of our appartment in Amsterdam (having spent there 8 years in which I wrote my book "Origins"*, while MeiMei, my wife, took care of our holistic medical practice) we "accidentally" found one of the most gorgeous places in Holland.

* See: "Origins"

The problem, however, was that we had to move out again in half a year. In the mean time - because of the limited space - we had to throw quite some things, which we had stored in our previous house. In fact, we had to throw a lot more if we wanted to comply with our long cherished aim of a simple life. Suddenly, the neighbor came to us - totally out of the blue - offering us an ever smaller house for rent.

Although we had ideas of moving abroad, we didn't hesitate for one moment and accepted the offer. Gladly "paying the price": again throwing a considerable part of our belongings. Although my longing to "live with the Ultimate" was real, existing already for a longer time, it were the "circumstances" that moulded us. "Hermits" in Mother's paradise, next to the "Kromme Rijn" (river) and one of the most beautiful estates of the country*.

* See: "Hermitage"

November 16, 1999

The responses to my blog are surprising. While in the past hardly anybody showed interest in my website - at least did not contact me about it -  this time I was moved by so much enthusiasm. I thank the Mother and my friends for this Heartwarming contact. Spontaneously, a question stirred up: may I consider this as a "sign?" Is this the way the Mother want me to proceed my work? The Mother decides, so I asked Her in my night prayers.

My dreams this morning were equally surprising. It started with me sitting next to the driver of a bus. It was an intrigueing man, a guy who follows his "natural impulses". Not surprisingly thus, that I felt attracted to him. He seemed to be particular talented in steering a bus, apparently doing everything without effort. Suddenly, he drove into the grasslands, making a shortcut. He laughed when looking at my reaction. Everything is okay, he said. The only thing for me to do, he said, was to keep my eyes open.

In the next scene I found myself in the company of a very good friend. You would probably recognize the type: voluminous, good-hearted, cheerful, a true bon vivant. He was an artist, a musician to be exact. We were sitting in the concert hall, attending the premiere of his latest work. It was a spectacular success! During the reception after, we danced an exuberant "men's dance" together, jiddish style. If I could only celebrate life this way more often, I thought!

To crown it all: after the event I treated myself to a big ice-cream. I already was half-way as a had a shock reaction, suddenly realizing my lactose-intolerance. Immediately I stopped eating. Pffff!

What do you think? Did the Mother approve my proposal? Obviously, She did. But She did more. She emphasized those aspects of me that are still underdeveloped. Both the driver and the artist - aspects like "naturalness" and "celebrating life" - are the gates, through which I have to proceed. O, Mother, how sympathetic You are towards me. I really don't deserve this. And thanks for Your warning not to indulge in the results of my work! (ice-cream). Again proof of the fact, that She knows me better than I know myself.

"QUIZ"
Is the way to let Her decide about important questions the right way? Is giving them "out of hands" a sign of escapism, avoiding responsibilities (A) or the other way round: a sign of wisdom (B)? Tell me your own insights/experiences about this. In about one week I will publish he number of A's and B's here in the blog.

November 17, 1999

Last night the Mother appeared unto us in Her manifestation of the great Enchantress of Love. How irresistable She is!

I feel my blog is getting wings! receiving one insight after the other. "Impatiently" I wait for the next day. But first you. A friend asked me "what happens when you give your thought back to the Mother?" Well, "normally" a thought is already fixed before it comes up. This is due to the process of (unconscious) identification. In a way it is already "dead" before it is even born. If, on the other hand, you give it back, putting it in a conscious context e.g. the Space of the Mother, then it will be transformed into alive insight/intuition.

Two things can happen. If the thought was valuable, then you will receive it back, renewed. It will bring you insight, joy and power. If, on the other hand, the thought had no significance, then it simply will not re-appear on your screen. In that case Mother has put it in the "waste-bin". Her interest is keeping an optimal balance between "input and output", as an expression of Her guardianship of Cosmic Balance. The result is a moment of inner peace, one of not being disturbed by thinking.

This process allows you to discriminate between valuable and non-valuable impulses, also between genuine and pseudo-creativity. To follow every impulse that pops up is a subtle form of addiction, indeed an obsession. How much rubbish isn't being produced every day, month, year, everything under the pretext of "creativity?" As so often Mother Earth has to pay the price. Hence, inner purification e.g. catharsis is a contribution not only to your own wellbeing, but also to the wellbeing of the entire earth.

"Look, I make everything new".  

November 18, 1999

Since I have dedicated my life to the Mother, the nature of my dreams is changing remarkably. While in the past they often were dominated by worries and fears, nowadays a totally different vibration can be felt. Last night f.i. I was in the company of many good friends. We were celebrating life, love and laughter. Later we digged out a wild terrain in order to establish a sacred place. Then I saw myself riding a horse on the beach, while joyfully eating a tropical fruit. Finally a group of people came to me expressing their longing to turn on to a spiritual life.   

In these days we still have a lot to do. Unpacking boxes, cleaning and trying to establish some order in the house. Absorbed by activities contact with the Mother can easily be lost. So, how do I manage to remain in Her Presence? Basically, it is all about continuously being tuned in to Her. I've told you about the Night as a realm through which you can meet the Mother. Obviously, this is not limited to a particular time of the day, only. Some say "have faith". But how can you "have faith", if you (still) don't know Her?

Is it by identification (with an image, concept or ideal)? When you do that, then everything remains part of the mind. Moreover, you exclude the opposite. Concentrate on the Light and you will exclude Darkness, leading to a schizophrenic world view. Is it by becoming your inner observer? In principle this is a major step forward. In practice, however, this requires a lot of self-effort e.g. discipline. It is for the happy(?) few only. The Mother has something better in stock. It is called "feeling awareness".

I will tell you the secret of "my joy in the Mother" regardless the circumstances. The surprise is: contact with the Mother occurs through the body. The reality behind is simple. Your body is born out of the Light, while the Light is born out of the Mother*. In its turn the Light manifests itself as space. So, by consciously feeling the body - watching and feeling - in contact with the space around you, your contact with Her Light Body is restored. This closeness is the source of your joy.

* See a.o. "Commentary" and "Universal Message"

In the coming days I will tell you more secrets.

November 19, 1999

Yesterday's effort paid off. The bulk of things now found their way to appropriate rooms, corners and shelves. Looking outside through the window, I realize how extremely beautiful the surrounding nature is. In front of us the river with the forest on the other shore. Leaves have fallen, giving way to a fascinating play of bare branches. In nineteen days I haven't gone out into nature nor did I take a "time off". Now, for the first time I allow myself to take a rest. The homecoming without appears to be a homecoming within.

November 20, 1999

Cosmic Womb Mandala
The Essence of you (green) is the Divine (yellow/white),
while the Essence of the Divine is the
Great Mother (black)

O, Night, you give me so many valuable insights! Since some of you have requested me to share more details about "feeling awareness" one outcome is particularly appropriate here. One of the fruits of Darkness is an "exercise" I often do in the morning. It consists of being very open to the sensations of my back in contact with the mattress. Watching and feeling my feet and then up until it finally includes my head. This aware feeling causes a tremendous intensity, to the extent that it seems, that my back has caught fire. 

From that moment on I visualize my back bathing in Light. The Cosmic Womb Mandala is of great help here. It shows that your Essence is on your backside. You have to shift to the behind, to step back, in order to realize IT. That's why the halo's of saints - both Buddhist and Christian - is on the backside of their heads. By identifying with the Light this way, you will move toward the Divine e.g. one step closer to your Ultimate Essence, the Mother. Longing for Homecoming, while simultanuously visualizing the Mandala are "doing" the rest.

Urschalling/Bavaria
God depicted as (Dark) Mother, Father & Son
(VERY rare indeed)

From now on, every morning I will visualize all those of you, who are doing the exercise. May we become Mother's Light children, rejuvenating ourselves, our beloved, our friends, our colleagues, and eventually the whole world! 

November 21, 1999

I' ve always had a special relationship with Africa. Why, I don't know. Superficially seen, the continent doesn't have much to contribute to spiritual growth. Patriarchal elites all over the place, trying to keep their grip on their peoples. But now, where Asian religions have reached their limits in guiding Western followers, the attention has turned to Africa. The first thing we encounter is the deep misery the continent finds itself in. True, it really cannot be overlooked. The danger though is, that it prevents us from looking more in depth.

The surprise is this: both our inner search and the search for our roots in history end up with the Black Mother! Spiritually, the Ultimate proves to be the bottomless Darkness of the Cosmic Womb; historically, our common ancestor is a black mother from Africa. Yes, common ancestor, the ancestor of the whole of mankind, everybody included without exception. Hence, Africa is sacred, it is the Holy Land of the Origin. Be honest, aren't we alienated, desperately searching for our roots?

In Africa inner and outer search coincide. Digging deeper, a whole new picture evolves. Especially the women are phenomenal. Suddenly, you see patterns of women-culture everywhere. Apart from the original Black Mother, Queen Mothers have been fulfilling a crucial role in the state, even in warfare. The role of the mother in society is deeply respected*. Add the heroic attempts of African women to improve the quality of their daily lives to it, and you start to grasp the significance.

* Of course, we know reality and its contradictions. However, because the positive side of the coin is hardly known, we deliberately put emphasis on the latter.

Black is equal to depth, bottomlessness. It includes all other colors. By excluding black, you exclude your own Origin. Until now we've had a blind spot for it. Not anymore! Whether you are black, brown, red, white or yellow, enclose Africa in your heart, accepting Africans (women in particular) as your teachers.

They can teach you not only about your roots, but also about how to integrate the Dark into your psyche; how to find a way out of Western feminism (which has sacrificed womanhood on the altar of consumerism) or how to live a life of (voluntary) simplicity in harmony with the community and nature.

All hot issues, for which we in the Western world haven't found any satisfactory answer yet. So, at least once in your life, go to Africa on pilgrimage. We will take the lead!

This letter: "Back to Africa" will be continued.

November 22, 1999

It has become more quiet in the home. Due to that I could resume my favourite diet. Immediately, my sleep improved considerably! (Later I will elaborate on my "Monk's Food". For the impatient one's: www.vitalworld.org, step 1)

On the whole developments are not bad, either. I hesitate to write it down. Sometimes it is better to have some solid proof before sharing it with others. If it doesn't last people will be eager to remind you of your claims......So, maybe, yes maybe - it happened some days ago - the Mother definitively has drawn me into Her Realm. It happened after I spontaneously whispered: "I am in the Mother and the Mother is in me". I don't know how, but immediately a wonderful Peace took possession of me.

Now, you won't be surprised when I tell you, that inner Peace is very familiar to me. In fact it has been the foundation of my life for decades already. So, what is the difference this time? Normally, inner Peace is a quality within. You can "locate" it somewhere in your innermost core. Not this time. It was so subtle, that I hardly realized how I became "Mother's Peace" - Universal Peace - in which the within and without fused. Now, there is only One Reality left, in which my former self has become a shadow.

Will it last? You are still writing this story, some will say. Well, yes, of course, but it isn't me - a seperate entity - anymore who is writing this. The Mother's Presence has replaced everything else. Both in Her Quality of Emptiness and Fullness. The Dutch have a wonderful word for that: "Vol-Ledigheid", Emptiness and Fullness as two sides of the same coin.

The Mother has found Herself through me. Many years of Her "effort" were needed to achieve this, together with an equal number of years of suffering on my part. She knew my self-willed character, after all. Indeed, a hard nut to crack.

Please, Mother, have always an eye on me!   

November 23, 1999

I have to confess. Yesterday a thought came up saying: this is IT, the Perfection, this is the alpha and omega. Nothing to share anymore, end of the blog.

After that, I gave a talk about (Mother) healing in the nearby city of Utrecht. Its date had been fixed for a long time already. It was very successful. At a certain moment I told my audience "I am a (spiritual) feminist".

Last night I had several dreams. They all had one theme in common. I found myself in situations in which I again and again helped people. First was a child about to be drowned; a second a woman who was haressed by a couple of men.

In the early morning - between sleeping and waking up - I had a very clear realization of "the Mother talking to me". She said: "Beloved, I have granted you my all-embracing Peace. It is your Foundation. Please, remember IT, whenever you need Me. Your mission, though, is to descend to the people. Help them, wherever you can".

Naughty Mother! She always cares about balance first. If things go too much in one direction, She will emphasize the opposite and vice versa. Maybe She was concerned about me starting to indulge in Her too much.

It reminds me of Heinrich Seuse (Suso), the famous mystic of the 13th century. After having surrendered (too much) to "Eternal Wisdom" (a metaphor for the Great Mother), She admonished him: "Heinrich, be a man".

It had its examples in ancient times. The priest-kings of Sumeria ruled in "the Name of the Mother". It is the highest possible achievement for a man. Going out into the world, serving Life according to Her Cosmic Plan.

Later, it was reflected in the Parsifal legend. The ultimate goal is to comply with the life-giving Chalice. Like was granted to me in the "Vision of the Grail"*. It says: pour yourself out, like I do.  

* See: "Threefold Realization" and "Vision of the Grail"

November 24, 1999

I feel ashamed, for the way I presented yesterday's event wasn't entirely correct. "The Mother talking to me" had a certain degree of reality in it, but was strongly influenced by wishful thinking. I liked to believe it too much. The cause: after the Gift of Peace subsided I was in dire need for a new guideline. Lesson: I realize the narrowness of the Path. Only absolute honesty with oneself, other people and the Whole is keeping one on the right track. Inventions immediately start to take a course of their own, leading you astray.

Then I had this dream. I saw myself as participant in a physics examination. Naturally, this was all very rational stuff. I didn't understand a damn of it. In between I had a row with a Japanese co-contender. We made it up: cultural difference. The way I handled the material - machines etc. - was curious enough. I looked at them only from the outside, not at all interested in "how they worked", enjoying their aesthetic appearence, a feeling approach really.

It took a moment before I grasped the clue. Don't try to understand the Mother! There is a subtle mechanism behind. As long as you ask for "meaning", then you still want to be in control. To search for "meaning" means you cannot live with the Unknown. You want to fill in Mother's Space yourself. Isn't that ironical? The search for meaning and trust are excluding each other. Meaning is obstructing Her Meaning.

If you really want to put your trust in the Ultimate, then you should not want to know, what life has in stock for you. Only when you are truly empty, the Divine can fill up your cup. Beware of subtle tricks of the mind. Trust is not belief. Although always mentioned in the same context, they really are the opposite of each other. Unlike the Church has tried to make us believe*.

* There "belief" serves the interests of an institute, who's aim it is to control e.g. oppress people.

Belief is identification (with a savior, holy book and dogma's). Its underlying emotion is the need for security. This should not be condemned, because many people cannot live without it. For clarity's sake it just should not be mixed up with trust. My weak point is this regard was (is..), that I wanted to be secured of "importance". My great fear has always been to be trivial. Hence, my plea for/belief in "meaning".

For many years I (painfully) experienced the failure of "following my own dreams". Ego-invented plans without exception brought only disappointment and frustration. To ask the Mother for "meaning" proved another (more subtle) way of self-control, though. So, what is the way out? It is living with the Unknown, besides just "doing what has to be done". Not corrupting it with your own goals, ambitions and plans. To remain empty.

It is the Road toward your Original Innocence. Let the "circumstances" decide. They hand you the options. Subsequently, you decide what is really needed. It can be your own needs, needs of others or needs of the Whole. From taking a vacation, cleaning the home, preparing tea for your wife to taking on a heroic mission.

A necessity is something you HAVE to do. It is an invitation of the "web of life" to fill up a gap. By doing so, you contribute to its further development. Isn't that the world upside down?! To follow your own (self-created) ideas (or worse, to pretend that you are "doing God's will")* proves to be illusory e.g. imprisonment, while acting out of necessity is the ultimate freedom! I praise the Mother for it.    

* Like fundamentalists do.

Simple things thus contribute to a higher aim. Paradoxically, those who take care of daily life - mostly women - answer to this. While the (self-created) "high ideals" e.g. "important goals" of men are often disturbing the delicate balance of the web, nay destroying it altogether. Here, ruthless economic exploitation and "New Age" philosophies meet. Aren't the latter saying that "you create your own reality?"

Do the things that have to be done and do them with great exuberance, knowing that you contribute to the Wholeness of Life.

Enough for today? 

November 25, 1999

This morning very early I looked out of the window seeing the full moon - quiet and radiant - against a bright sky. What a joyful surprise!

There is a sequence in handling your denied, rejected and suppressed contents. First of all, there is awareness. When a "disturbing" thought or emotion comes up, you just "stay where you are" - in your inner observer - until the thought disappears. Things are as they are. Don't try to change e.g. manipulate them. Pre-requisite is, you have developed a stable inner watching. This is usually the result of an (intensive) meditation practice.

Some emotions "don't like to pass so easily", though. They re-appear. In that case simple observing is not enough. It is proof of the fact, that the pain, anger or fear had been so strong in the past, that you weren't able to "digest" them. Now, where you have become aware, you have a second chance to still accept these your "inner stepchildren". Besides watching you have to lovingly embrace them. Once they are part of the whole, once again, their "negativity" melts as snow in the sun.

There are others like me, who have discovered that even after having been granted a unique spiritual life - in my case 10 years of uninterrupted Bliss, 15 years of Dark Night of the Soul, which in many aspects was equally beneficial, subsequently finding refuge in the Ultimate - that they still have to face certain "setbacks". You then come to a point, where you have to acknowledge, that you cannot "solve" them yourself anymore. Self-effort turns into surrender.

Now, contrary to what many think, it is a common fact - provided you are honest - that integration of aspects of your personality into your New Self will never cease. The pitfall of some religions and philosophical systems is, that they ignore e.g. deny the personality. They have identified themselves with "perfection" only. It is not seldom the cause of conceit and even arrogance. Therefore, acknowledge the necessity of integration, and you will become whole/holy/healthy/happy not only on one, but on all "levels" altogether!

Do write me your experiences!

November 26, 1999

I woke up rather soberly. Even to the extent of "questioning the validity of everything spiritual". It wasn't disillusionment, though. Just looking at things directly. Then I started singing:

O, Mother
in Your unfathomable
Mystery Womb
everything is as it is
nothing special, nothing holy

Subsequently, I had a first "evaluation" about why I started my "hermitage", at all. One thing is clear: my longing to put my trust in Her. To me devotion and surrender were the outcome of my spiritual Path. Moreover, after so many years of writing, it was inevitable that I had to take the consequences (of starting a new phase). I wanted to (once again) go back to the Origin to purify myself from mind-addiction. But more important than that: I deeply sensed that "living with the Unknown" is the ultimate fulfillment, the purpose of all life.

So, what is it that I still have to learn?  

Trust, for sure. To continuously tune in to the Ultimate, without expecting anything back. Shifting my center of consciousness toward the Origin. As described above, I do that by watching and feeling my back in contact with my clothes, and through them in contact with the space around me. I recommend this to every sincere seeker. It is "Holiness in action" in a most simple and direct way. Opening up yourself toward bodily sensations is pleasurable. Contrary to concentration-practices. It gives you energy, rather than loosing it.

The second step in giving everything back to Her. Everything that disturbs inner peace and balance. When f.i. thoughts about some "plan" pops up, I first become aware of it, accepting it as part of myself. Then I whisper "Mother, You have a far better overview than I do, please accept this petty plan of mine". Or "again and again I am dominated by this obsession. I clearly can't handle it myself. Please take it back in Your all-inclusive Womb". It is a kind of sacrifice. Sacrificing the ego on the altar of the Ultimate. My "offering" is always accepted, after which I am cleared of myself.

Subsequently, I show my gratefulness to Her, the One Who accepts everything without reservation. Her compassion is indeed limitless, immeasurable. Who else would take the "guilt of the whole world" upon him or herself?* It is Her Essence - that of the Vacuum - that makes it possible. So, visualizing Her all-accepting Bottomlessness is an additional help. The more you identify with it, the more complete your inner purification. Often, spontaneous prayers come up. "O, Mother, thanks for doing this for me. You are incomparable, true Mother of the universe".

* Christianity copied this from pre-Christian Mother times.

Last but not least, "I do something back for Her". Her way of showing us what to do in life, is by giving us a feeling of necessity. It is related to Her "web of life". In this Her web everything is interconnected. There exists a dynamic exchange between atoms, energies and events. Everybody (as bodyminds) is part of this Her ever-changing Body. When gaps emerge, we are invited to fill them up. This creates the feeling of "doing what has to be done". By doing so, we help the Mother in weaving life, leading to ever growing Wholeness*.

* Realizing why "I am in the hermitage" -  to learn trust, giving myself back, gratitude and doing what has to be done - should give me some clues about when to finish it. At the moment I have no idea, though.  

May we become worthy servants of the Mother!  

"QUIZ"
I promised to give you the outcome of the quiz dd the 16th of November.
Results: no response.   

November 27, 1999

For some time I have a "bump" in my right hand palm. My wife and I concluded that it might be "Morbus Dupuytren". Its main symtom is a swelling of the fascia. Mostly leading to shortening, which in its turn cause fingers to permanently bend. I didn't give it too much attention, until it started worsening. Our concern: not being able to do Mother Healing anymore (or the namaste greeting...). So we decided to do something about it. One of the first things we discovered was, that its incidence is highest in the Northern European climate.

You would think the "devil" had a hand in it. One day after I had all the points listed....being at peace in my hermitage....immediately my years-old desire to go to a warm country popped up. This time with good reasons. What game the Mother is playing with me here, I asked myself. Encouraged by Sri Ramakrishna (who has said that in rare cases you even have to confront Her....) I decided to challenge Mother. I felt I needed a decisive answer. So, before sleeping I had a penetrating question to Her: should I (we) move to a warm region?

Then I got these dreams. In a cafe I watched people doing a game. A kind of sack racing. Later I tried to organize a similar event. Everybody expressed their disapproval. "Haven't we organized this already?" In the next scene I showed my ex-father in law my handbook "Flow System Therapy" proudly telling him that it had been published. He laughed scornfully, saying "well, didn't you publish it for some time, already?"

First of all, isn't it flabberghasting, that the Mother - the Abbyss of the universe - responds to a minor problem of a human being? It is proof of the fact, that communication with the Ultimate is possible. Sri Ramakrishna says, that because She is Mother, She cannot refuse anybody. Her "motherly feelings are simply too strong". Well, if that sounds too naive to you....it is a fact that She embraces the whole of existence. Her secret: because "She" is impersonal She is able to be personal to each of us.

What She told me was that I should not repeat old patterns - e.g. trying to escape - like I did in the past. Stay where you are is Her message. So, that is what we are going to do. I don't know about Her plans with me, after all. I don't dispute Her Wisdom in any way. On the contrary, I feel confirmed in my taking Her seriously. However, that doesn't dismiss us from our own responsibilities.

Keeping us here means we should learn from it. She is giving me a new chance to extend my trust in Her. The "Dupuytren" is the gate toward insight in my (our) daily functioning. True, it could be more in accordance with the Cosmic Balance. Fortunately, we have sufficient experience to tackle the problem, varying from a stricter diet, supplements, fitness, to guasha and less hours on the computer*.

And why not finding a middle way? Instead of moving, we make giving our Mother Healings in sunny areas a priority. Besides, I could go to a solarium regularly....

* Interested in healthy living? Open www.vitalworld.org

She never lets you down.

November 28, 1999

Yesterday I was quite busy. And just before going to bed I realized, that during the day I had forgotten to tune in to the Mother. Absorbed by activities! My dreams immediately confronted me with that. (Instead of Big Brother I am controlled by Big Mother.....(haha). 

In my dream the world had turned into chaos. In fact it appeared as one big entertainment park. Events were totally unrelated and meaningless. One man insulted my father; a woman couldn't find a handy-number, while desperately keeping her poodle lined; some were openly exposing themselves publicly; I myself visited a bookstore and got lost, in short "fun" all over the place.

At last the crowd moved out of the compound, though, forming a walking column along the sea. My feeling was, that they were on pilgrimage, looking for redemption. I felt a sigh of relief. Eventually, everything seemed to be okay.

Cut off from Reality life becomes a mess. The positive side of alienation is that it strenghtens your longing for Wholeness. Just like I feel right now. Deep inside there is both despair and determination. My longing is the vehicle toward my true destination. Its contours are becoming more clear all the time. It has to at least consist of three elements: devotion and worship; a daily "monastic" schedule and serving the people.

Especially, the latter is what I miss. Pouring myself out - like has been prophesied in my Vision of the Grail - exerts an ever growing e.g. irresistable attraction upon me. It could be the true meaning of my Dupuytren. It is a hardening process, after all. So, may my inner fire, my compassion and my commitment grow beyond measure. My prayers are accordingly.

November 29, 1999

Last night's dream was quite short and direct. I had just done my final university examination (a frequent topic in my dreams....). They were asking me about my plans for my future career. I refused to tell them. In fact, I was very scared to say anything about it. Later I was again confronted by them. This time I felt totally carefree, proudly wearing a monk's robe.....

Looking at my website you would say that I don't have problems with making myself known. The opposite is true, though. Since childhood I had fears to be "caught" (1944: Gestapo-men at our door threatening to take my father away). Hence, I have always tried to hide myself as much as I could. Even after my awakening I was afraid to show my "original face". O, irony, where my job was to guide people in becoming "themselves", I didn't dare to do the same myself. I always functioned "under my level" and still do. Afraid to show my strength?

The dream gave me hope, that some day I'll dare to be "the one I am". Since the Mother liberated me from myself.....the situation has become much more relaxed, already. I don't identify myself with Enlightenment anymore. I am not the last authority, but a servant of the Mother. However, that still is scary enough. What a coward I am, in fact. Deep within I am afraid to be ridiculous in the eyes of others. Nobody can help me in this regard. Like in the dream, one day I will come to the open, though, proudly wearing the "robe" of an Original*....

* Originals are those who are returning to the Origin - the Great Mother - in order to become renewed.

Another aspect has to be mentioned. In order to be able to communicate transcendental Experience with others, you almost always have to "descend" to the level of the person(s) you are with. Something I always manage(d) to do very well. I truly feel, that I am in no way different from anybody else. Which in Essence is the Truth, of course. On the other hand, it always surprised me to actually discovering difference. "I thought this person would easily understand this". While it sometimes could give a false sense of humility, as well.

Who said, that the spiritual Path ends with "Realization?" 

Jay Mata Di!

November 30, 1999

Yesterday MeiMei and I had a day "with a surplus value". Love was in the air. It manifested itself in a very playful atmosphere. We were on our way to pick up our newly ordered cupboard. After that we went to Germany to do some shopping. We always love to go to Germany (e.g. for shopping). The (organic) products have a high quality and are relatively cheap.

My dreams are my parallel reality. This time I found myself in a city. Although it was very crowded, the feeling was a very harmonious one. (contrary to the dream two days ago!). People were cheerful and friendly toward each other. One time I saw myself singing songs with a group of girls. Another time I was together with others admiring some birds. There was a scene in which I was sitting in a cafe, gayfully eating and drinking amidst a lot of other people. I also had a black friend. We hugged each other frequently. Conclusion: once love is there, even the chaos shows coherence!

My relationship toward "material things" is a special one. From childhood on I had a sense of "voluntary simplicity". I was never tempted to accumulate things. Money wasn't important to me. It didn't occur to me to spend time for "shopping". Hence, I despised the word "consumer". However, since my marriage to MeiMei things changed a little. It happened when she took me to her family in China. Which was very enjoyable in the first place. MeiMei had the same attitude toward "things" as I did. This was also due to the Cultural Revolution*, where people were forced to live simply.   

* More about MeiMei's background, see my autobiography "Song of Perfection" (In Dutch "Lied van Vol-Ledigheid" and German "Lied der Vollkommenheit", currently being translated into English).

In China things were extraordinary cheap. Moreover, there were bargains which you don't find in the West so easily. Like buying silk and taylored clothes. And the food: so incredible delicious, for just a few euro's. Slowly I got the taste of buying things. The surprise: it worked as a liberation..... Somehow, I had (partly) felt guilty about "having". Then, I even started to propose going to the shops! Although it was still very modest, incomparable to the common shopping! The outcome: I am still all in for voluntary simplicity*, however, simultaneously allowing myself to enjoy the things I have. (While writing this down, MeiMei is laughing at me).

* Which in the future perhaps will be practised in our "monastic setting".....See: "The First Steps"

While for most of us inner growth means moving from the material to the spiritual, to me it was just the opposite. A true joke, indeed!

December 1, 1999

For many of us, self-healing is (still) of utmost importance. It was the main topic during the day before yesterday's spiritual meeting (which I did for the last two month's). It all can be related to one cause: "if you want to reach God, your have to deny yourself". It started with the Greek Stoa and was continued by Christianity. It is based on a dualistic world-view: God, Light, Man on one side and the the world, darkness and women on the other. Naturally, it were the women who suffered most. While "man was created in the image of God", women were even denied "a soul".   

How deep this trauma (still) is became painfully clear two days ago. There a woman cried out that she suffered a lot, because of all her "ego-shit", still "obstructing her path toward liberation". I was shocked by the vehemence of her remark. It again confirmed my observation about the true nature of suffering: self-denial, even full blown self-hatred. Men suffer from it, but it has become so "natural" (......) that they don't feel it anymore. Their alienation is complete. Women have been forced to much more denying their bodies. However, they still feel e.g. suffer from it.

This time it couldn't have been Christianity as a direct cause. The woman in question was dedicated to Eastern philosophy for a long time already. These philosophies are said to having us liberated from the oppression of the Church. In a way this is true. By introducing Self-Realization, the millennia-old taboo on our Essence as being Divine had been broken down. The old hypocrisy, that you have "to follow Jesus" - his mildness, his love, his sacrifice - but aren't allowed to become his Divinity - the Source from which these qualities like mildness, love and sacrifice evolve - fortunately lies behind us (?).

Buddhism, in this regard, comes much more close to the Truth. It states that everybody, without exception, is a (potential) Buddha. The way to realize this, however, was by "escaping from the cycle of birth and death". In this regard (some) Eastern philosophies - including "non-duality" and related practices - might be not so liberating as one would think. They all reject the "ego", the body and nature. The only "miraculous outcome"* is a dualistic, nay schizophrenic mind: identification with the "spiritual self", while (totally) being split off from "the world". Nowadays, the alienation/oppression goes on: technology destroying nature. 

* Referring to "A Course in Miracles"

Why, in order to admire a sunflower, you have to reject a rose? Please, abandon these mutilating approaches to life! In order to be healed, feel the deep split within yourself, the self-hatred* you have developed. Feel the suffering. Only then your longing for Wholeness - not only with regard to Being, but on all levels: psychologically, physically and environmentally - emerges. This longing is the inner drive toward loving yourself. To start with once again including your body, besides all those parts, which in the past were denied, rejected or suppressed. They are your inner stepchildren. Become all-embracing. Become a mother toward yourself: kind, mild, accepting. If you don't know "how to do it", ask the Great Mother! (or me...)

* Subsequently once again being exploited by guru's and therapists. Like in the past: first saddling up sin, while subsequently offering the solution to it.....

Together, we will restore the Wholeness of Life.

December 2, 1999

PS. In real life my mother would have NEVER, NEVER done these things, at all!

December 3, 1999

What I remember of last night's dream was that I had moved to a dense unspoilt forest. It was my home. There I started to organize guided tours.

After waking up I did what I call "primordial breathing". You put your emphasis on breathing out (of course, in a very relaxed way). Once your breathing has disappeared in the Nothingness of your pelvis (the deeper the better), you wait, wait and wait....until the breathing in spontaneously emerges from the depth of your bottomlessness. The secret: the more thorough the breathing out dissolves ("death"), the more powerful the new breathing in ("rebirth") will be. It is an exact reflection of Mother's Vacuum.    

** See: "Origin"

December 4, 1999

December 5, 1999

This development has been predicted. It is part of a pattern. We are in the twilight of our Western-materialistic culture. The decay is visible on all levels. We are not going to have a merry time. "Everything will come to nothing". Without insight in the cosmic background this indeed seems rather frightening. Spiritually seen, "decay" means the fiasco of the ego and its achievements. It is our accumulations, our greed for more, that is broken down. See it this way: "To have is the inability to Be". Actually, we long for fulfillment on a deeper level: wisdom, joy, friendship, love and creativity. Thus, the breakdown is giving us a new chance. It paves the way back to the Source.

Subsequently, the Mother let me sing a song:

December 6, 1999

Isn't the goal inner "neutrality"* e.g. to be free from all impurities of the mind? My answer can be short: NO. It is even contradictory to non-duality itself. Yes, in the beginning there is watching ("inner observer") on one hand and the "objects of the mind" on the other. There appears to be an inner distance between the two. So, in that stage, you are indeed detached from yourself. If awareness starts widening, though, then, sooner or later, it will become so spatial, that those "objects", which first were "in front of you" appear to have become content of your expanded Self. Once that happens, your Mind has become all-inclusive. Ultimately, everything, without exception, is the content of One Consciousness.

* A word often used in non-dual circles. Causing much confusion, though.

Will be continued.

December 7, 1999

* It is  a vicious circle of self-torture. You already suffer from a life-long alienation from the body, while seeking "liberation" by rejecting it, once again.   

A truly non-dual approach should include all life, nothing excluded. The goal isn't just liberation, but Wholeness. It is inherent to its core practices. It starts with your New Consciousness including its content: thoughts, emotions, desires. The latter appear to be part of You. The "Inner Neutrality" will thus be enriched by the flavor of Love. You subsequently start loving the world "as your self". It is painful to see, that non-dual philosophies never have really discovered this. Actually, they are stuck in early stages of development. It not only explains their "coldness" towards life, but also their (fanatic) strive for perfection. Not confronted by the troubles of daily life (which they have shut out of their consciousness), they easily become conceited e.g. arrogant*.

* Indeed, I have personal experience with some who came to me, pretending that they had a "question".....only to display their "spiritual superiority". 

December 8, 1999

December 9, 1999

* See: "Threefold Realization"

Subsequently, the Mother became the Source of a whole series of new insights. We shared them joyfully, ending the afternoon with beautiful mantra-singing.

Praise the Mother!

PS. Dutch speaking people may order the DVD we made of the event.

Black Madonna

December 10, 1999

My MotherBlog exists one month. As a reminder of this historic (haha) event, I will send a postcard with the image of the Black Madonna (MotherGoddess) (backside a Mother prayer) to you for free. Just tell me your address, code, town/city and country. To find my e-mail, click "Contact" below. Please, mention if the prayer should be in English or German.

Thanks to all those, who showed interest!

Your friend.

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